Well, yesterday I posted about a dilemma I find myself in.....related to jobs and whether or not to change schools/districts for next year. My sweet cyber-sisters are commenting, saying "do it, girl" etc, and I appreciate the support. :) But one disclaimer first: there's not even really an official job opening yet, in that other district. There always is, though, every year, so I know there will be one, just maybe not one in a school I'd prefer, etc. Beggars can't be choosers, right?
When I was little, I was deathly afraid of the DOWN side of escalators. I could go up just fine, but then we'd be at the top and I'd be frozen, unable to step on to start going down. I remember standing there with my parents, them encouraging me, holding my hand, etc, and I had one foot poised in mid-air, waiting for the right moment to step out......and waiting.......and waiting. I think it was the fact that the "steps" were moving. Unlike regular stairs, you can't just look down to a stationary spot, move your foot and place it on that spot. You've got to time it, watch how it's moving and how fast, then time your movement to land exactly where you predict the step will be at that moment in time. Truth be told, I still am not crazy about the down escalators. I ride them now, and I don't tell anyone about my little phobia, but it's not my favorite thing to do.
So here I am, waiting to step down and wondering if the time is right. Problem is, I've been standing in this spot for the past 4 years. Each Spring, I keep raising my foot, holding it over those moving steps........looking at it, watching, thinking.......then deciding that maybe just staying where I am will be ok. Next year, same thing. So I put my foot back down, and go through another year. Then I raise my foot, and watch.........seeing a pattern here?
I'm just afraid to step, that's the bottom line. I don't know where this escalator travels to, and whether the place it'll take me to is worse somehow than where I am now. And, there's this: During the first couple of years that I was back to work (after being a SAHM for 2 years), I spiraled down into a major depression and major state of "overwhelmed-ness" with all that was going on in my life. Andrew had just been diagnosed on the autism spectrum and was barely talking, Ethan was a failure-to-thrive baby who was barely eating, and I was juggling so many therapy appts. and doctor visits that my head was spinning.
It was a very low point in time for me, and a very scary one to think back on. We're all doing much better now, and I am coping (most of the time) with the help of good cyber-pals, medication, and the fact that my days aren't SO overwhelmed any more. I am very attached to my time during the day (hours that I'm not in school), in which I can clean house, shop, go on field trips with the kids, or just (gasp!) watch TV and/or be online. I'm used to having that time, not working all day long at my "real job", and I'm more than a bit afraid of that changing. Having this time for me, even if it's just quiet time to take a quick nap or watch ER reruns while doing dishes or folding clothes.......I think that time helps keep me sane, keeps my head above water so to speak. If I changed jobs, I might not have that time anymore, or not as much. Part time music teaching jobs aren't easy to come by. And I truly am afraid to lose it, wondering if I'll go back to that "all-overwhelmed-all-the-time" state, which I absolutely could not handle. I know that many, many women do work full time AND raise a family, but I guess I doubt my capacity to do it. I already hate how busy we are with the kids in the evenings, and I cherish our time to just hang out at home and do nothing. Don't want to lose that, or be constantly rushing to pick them up (late) from school, run home, cram dinner, do homework and crash. What kind of a life is that?
But I need the career fulfillment too, see? And the interaction with adults outside of my family......real, live, breathing people who are above the age of 6. So I want to keep working, need to keep working. How much is enough? How much is too much? Does this humongous, rambling post even make any sense any more? Decisions, decisions. Can somebody point me in the right direction, please? Anyone?
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
OMG, now what?
Ok, my job situation just got a heck of a lot more complicated.
DH forwarded an email to me.....from the Music Supervisor in the district where he teaches. This man is a friend of ours, a fabulous guy whom I've known from back when I used to teach in that district too (1993-2001). Well guess what? He's retiring!
All along, since taking this current job, I've been debating each year about whether to leave here and try to get back into that district (BCSD). And I've always said "well, F is my connection there, so if I'm going back to BCSD I'd better do it before F retires". He knows me well, and DH too, and likes us. I sing in a community chorus with him. 3 years ago, he offered me a job in BCSD, and I turned it down, saying "I want to give this job a fair chance, and feel like I've done all I can here before leaving". Well, is that time now? I think F would pretty much give me any job I wanted in BCSD.....but when he's gone, I'm just another music teacher looking for a job, and I will stand out from the others in no way whatsoever.
I feel like I'm on a ship that's moving in one direction, and being approached by another ship going the opposite way. They're about to cross paths, and if I want to jump off of my ship and onto theirs, this might be my only chance. If it passes by, it may not pass again and I'll have missed the opportunity. Is this a sign? A signal that now's the time to jump? I've been asking for a sign, a way to know what do to for this difficult choice..........so now what?
DH forwarded an email to me.....from the Music Supervisor in the district where he teaches. This man is a friend of ours, a fabulous guy whom I've known from back when I used to teach in that district too (1993-2001). Well guess what? He's retiring!
All along, since taking this current job, I've been debating each year about whether to leave here and try to get back into that district (BCSD). And I've always said "well, F is my connection there, so if I'm going back to BCSD I'd better do it before F retires". He knows me well, and DH too, and likes us. I sing in a community chorus with him. 3 years ago, he offered me a job in BCSD, and I turned it down, saying "I want to give this job a fair chance, and feel like I've done all I can here before leaving". Well, is that time now? I think F would pretty much give me any job I wanted in BCSD.....but when he's gone, I'm just another music teacher looking for a job, and I will stand out from the others in no way whatsoever.
I feel like I'm on a ship that's moving in one direction, and being approached by another ship going the opposite way. They're about to cross paths, and if I want to jump off of my ship and onto theirs, this might be my only chance. If it passes by, it may not pass again and I'll have missed the opportunity. Is this a sign? A signal that now's the time to jump? I've been asking for a sign, a way to know what do to for this difficult choice..........so now what?
mean mommy
Have I said recently that parenting is tough? I did? Ok, well let's just say it again, shall we?
I truly feel like a first-time parent again when it comes to dealing with Ethan. He's my first NT child (neuro-typical, not on the autism spectrum), and therefore many many things ARE new to me in parenting him. Andrew rarely, if ever, challenges my authority or what I ask/tell him to do. Same to DH. But Ethan, on the other hand, does this 24/7. And I feel like very little that I do is helping to get him onto the right track, either.
So last night, I was "mean mommy" and I hated it. I took the boys to a concert that DH was conducting for his band. There have been instances recently that Ethan showed he could behave acceptably in a concert---sit in your chair, listen, don't talk/sing/kick chairs, etc. On the way there in the van, we talked about the kind of behavior I expected, and offered that any kids who did behave well would be taken to Sonic for a treat afterwards.
Well, let's just say that I had to drag Ethan out of the auditorium before DH's band was done with their second piece of music. I tried a million times to ask him to turn around, sit right, be quiet, stay still, etc, and I got nowhere. I put him in my lap and held him there, as he fought me and even reached out to bite me! I put my hand over his mouth in frustration, and said into his ear "DO NOT TRY TO BITE ME". His response? Laughing. So I just took him out into the lobby until DH's band finished. We went back in, got Andrew, said goodbye to DH and went to the car. Oh yeah, and it was raining by this point.
So I told Ethan we were now going to Sonic to get something for me and Andrew, but not him. I had to, right? Otherwise, what's my word worth? And I wanted to drown my sorrows in a Reese's Cup Blast anyway. Andrew got one of those too, and I ordered nothing else. Whoa, was that hard to do. He cried and cried, kept saying "I'm being good now, I'll be good in the van", etc. When parents say "this is harder on me than it is on you".......they aren't kidding.
He kept asking to get an M&M blast, but when the roller-skates girl came and left....nothing for Ethan. It hit him, and he cried harder. "But Mom, I want a blast" over and over. I tried to calmly remind him why, and then I had to basically just start ignoring him...yeah, right. But I needed to NOT keep repeating myself and trying to explain and justify what I did. Andrew tried to chime in and say "it's because you were bad" but I had to ask him to please stay out of it.
He cried all the way home, but thankfully I got him distracted at the house with a new toy he got at last weekend's party. And some rainbow sherbet ice cream out of the freezer. Still didn't stop me from feeling like mean mommy, though. Hoping I did the right thing and that we won't be back in this exact same spot anytime soon.
I truly feel like a first-time parent again when it comes to dealing with Ethan. He's my first NT child (neuro-typical, not on the autism spectrum), and therefore many many things ARE new to me in parenting him. Andrew rarely, if ever, challenges my authority or what I ask/tell him to do. Same to DH. But Ethan, on the other hand, does this 24/7. And I feel like very little that I do is helping to get him onto the right track, either.
So last night, I was "mean mommy" and I hated it. I took the boys to a concert that DH was conducting for his band. There have been instances recently that Ethan showed he could behave acceptably in a concert---sit in your chair, listen, don't talk/sing/kick chairs, etc. On the way there in the van, we talked about the kind of behavior I expected, and offered that any kids who did behave well would be taken to Sonic for a treat afterwards.
Well, let's just say that I had to drag Ethan out of the auditorium before DH's band was done with their second piece of music. I tried a million times to ask him to turn around, sit right, be quiet, stay still, etc, and I got nowhere. I put him in my lap and held him there, as he fought me and even reached out to bite me! I put my hand over his mouth in frustration, and said into his ear "DO NOT TRY TO BITE ME". His response? Laughing. So I just took him out into the lobby until DH's band finished. We went back in, got Andrew, said goodbye to DH and went to the car. Oh yeah, and it was raining by this point.
So I told Ethan we were now going to Sonic to get something for me and Andrew, but not him. I had to, right? Otherwise, what's my word worth? And I wanted to drown my sorrows in a Reese's Cup Blast anyway. Andrew got one of those too, and I ordered nothing else. Whoa, was that hard to do. He cried and cried, kept saying "I'm being good now, I'll be good in the van", etc. When parents say "this is harder on me than it is on you".......they aren't kidding.
He kept asking to get an M&M blast, but when the roller-skates girl came and left....nothing for Ethan. It hit him, and he cried harder. "But Mom, I want a blast" over and over. I tried to calmly remind him why, and then I had to basically just start ignoring him...yeah, right. But I needed to NOT keep repeating myself and trying to explain and justify what I did. Andrew tried to chime in and say "it's because you were bad" but I had to ask him to please stay out of it.
He cried all the way home, but thankfully I got him distracted at the house with a new toy he got at last weekend's party. And some rainbow sherbet ice cream out of the freezer. Still didn't stop me from feeling like mean mommy, though. Hoping I did the right thing and that we won't be back in this exact same spot anytime soon.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Go Diego Go birthday bash!
OMG, the relief, that this birthday party for Ethan is finally over! I obsessed and stressed about this for weeks......no, make that months.....worrying about who might come or not, what games to play, crafts to make, snacks, cake, decor........you get the picture.
But in the end, it turned out great and was a huge success! Several kids came, both from his preschool class and one from our neighborhood. And one even brought him a gift to school on Monday, saying she'd planned to come but been called away at the last minute!
We had a Diego pinata, made "rain sticks" out of papertowel rolls and dry rice, and went on a treasure hunt on a nature trail (seems to have been the most popular event). He got WAY too many motorcycles, monster trucks, transformers and all of those other big boy toys, and a fun, sugar-filled time was had by all. Here are some of our pics:
Happy Birthday, miracle baby! Can't believe you're 4 years old.......
But in the end, it turned out great and was a huge success! Several kids came, both from his preschool class and one from our neighborhood. And one even brought him a gift to school on Monday, saying she'd planned to come but been called away at the last minute!
We had a Diego pinata, made "rain sticks" out of papertowel rolls and dry rice, and went on a treasure hunt on a nature trail (seems to have been the most popular event). He got WAY too many motorcycles, monster trucks, transformers and all of those other big boy toys, and a fun, sugar-filled time was had by all. Here are some of our pics:
Happy Birthday, miracle baby! Can't believe you're 4 years old.......
Friday, March 7, 2008
My baby boy is turning 4!
Sniff, sniff........my "baby", my last-born, is turning 4 tomorrow. 4 sounds so much older and bigger than 3 does, don't you think? It's like he's officially not a baby or even a toddler any more.......but a "big boy" as he'll readily tell you if you ask. He took brownies to school today for his preschool class, and then we'll have a celebration tomorrow with just our family (and presents sent from relatives out of town). Then, on Sunday we're having a party with preschool classmates and a little girl who lives next door that he wanted to invite. What a weekend!
The party theme is Go Diego Go, and we're having it outside at the pavilion area behind our church. PLEASE Lord, let the rain stop in plenty of time for things to dry up so we can play outside, do a treasure hunt on the nature trail, gorge ourselves on candy from the Diego pinata, etc. :) Only 4 kids have RSVPd to come so far, but these families are notorious for not RSVPing, but then showing up anyway. Hard to know how to plan, but oh well...........
The first half of 2004 was pretty much the scariest 5 months of my life. Beginning in January, I was put onto bedrest at home due to the onset (AGAIN!) of severe preeclampsia. There's no cure for it (other than delivery), or even a treatment that's guaranteed to hold off the progression of the disease, but some believe that strict bedrest can help. In my case, it seems to have done so. In February, an appointment with a maternal/fetal medicine specialist ended in immediate admission to the hospital, and the next couple of days were filled with intense fear and grief. I was only at 24 weeks, and we were being told by just about every medical person in the hospital that my baby boy (for whom we still hadn't settled on a name) would not survive if delivered anytime soon.
We hung on somehow, though, and I stayed horizontal in the hospital from Feb. 12 to March 8......when little Ethan Hunter was delivered by c section, weighing only 1 lb., 9 oz. Then we began our second journey through the NICU, this time for 11 weeks. There were plenty of scary moments, and many many long days and nights living in a hotel near the hospital and trying to maintain some kind of a life for our then-2 1/2 year old.
So when days like tomorrow come around, it makes me think back, obviously. I know that as time passes, memories fade, especially about how much something hurts.......either physically or emotionally. I think that's what's happening to me. After 4 years, I've repressed or blocked out a lot of the extremes of our fears of losing Ethan, but I still get shivers up my spine when I do think back to how close we came to NOT bringing our baby home with us, and how much of a miracle he truly is. Happy Birthday, little man, Mom and Dad and Andrew love you SO much!
The party theme is Go Diego Go, and we're having it outside at the pavilion area behind our church. PLEASE Lord, let the rain stop in plenty of time for things to dry up so we can play outside, do a treasure hunt on the nature trail, gorge ourselves on candy from the Diego pinata, etc. :) Only 4 kids have RSVPd to come so far, but these families are notorious for not RSVPing, but then showing up anyway. Hard to know how to plan, but oh well...........
The first half of 2004 was pretty much the scariest 5 months of my life. Beginning in January, I was put onto bedrest at home due to the onset (AGAIN!) of severe preeclampsia. There's no cure for it (other than delivery), or even a treatment that's guaranteed to hold off the progression of the disease, but some believe that strict bedrest can help. In my case, it seems to have done so. In February, an appointment with a maternal/fetal medicine specialist ended in immediate admission to the hospital, and the next couple of days were filled with intense fear and grief. I was only at 24 weeks, and we were being told by just about every medical person in the hospital that my baby boy (for whom we still hadn't settled on a name) would not survive if delivered anytime soon.
We hung on somehow, though, and I stayed horizontal in the hospital from Feb. 12 to March 8......when little Ethan Hunter was delivered by c section, weighing only 1 lb., 9 oz. Then we began our second journey through the NICU, this time for 11 weeks. There were plenty of scary moments, and many many long days and nights living in a hotel near the hospital and trying to maintain some kind of a life for our then-2 1/2 year old.
So when days like tomorrow come around, it makes me think back, obviously. I know that as time passes, memories fade, especially about how much something hurts.......either physically or emotionally. I think that's what's happening to me. After 4 years, I've repressed or blocked out a lot of the extremes of our fears of losing Ethan, but I still get shivers up my spine when I do think back to how close we came to NOT bringing our baby home with us, and how much of a miracle he truly is. Happy Birthday, little man, Mom and Dad and Andrew love you SO much!
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
more political ramblings
OMG, what a night it was! I did my usual nighttime stuff, after the kids are in bed......wash/dry/fold clothes, work on the computer, and listen to political coverage on TV. When I went to sleep (around 11) I had NO idea I'd wake up to find that Hillary Clinton had won both Texas AND Ohio! Ohio was looking bad (for Obama) as I turned the TV off, but not Texas. WTF?
So, now the question is: Was this result a good or a bad thing for the Democratic Party, going into November? Guess it depends on who you ask. Most of the so-called experts on TV and talk radio have basically proven that NO ONE really knows what's going to happen, no one can predict anything with certainty, and that the tried-and-true expectations just don't hold water any more. Everything is new this time, when we're dealing with the first viable woman candidate and the first viable black candidate.
Bottom line for me: I want to see a Democrat elected, period. Not John McCain, who says we could be in Iraq for 100 years or more. So I'm trying to keep my eyes on the prize, so to speak. And if that means we've got to choose Hillary, I guess that's what we'll do, but I won't be thrilled about it. But, how electable is either Hillary or Obama going to be after weeks and weeks and weeks more of primary time? In which they both get to beat each other up and spend tons of money trying to make the other look bad......and then in the end, try to come out smelling like a rose to go forward into the general election. Not gonna happen, I fear. And meanwhile, McCain gets to revel in his un-opposed status, while raising tons of money and going ahead with general election strategies against both of the Democrats. Ugh!
Stay tuned for Pennsylvania, I suppose. In APRIL! Guess I've just got to console myself with knowing that I've done what I could, voted when my state had its turn, and now I just get to keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.
So, now the question is: Was this result a good or a bad thing for the Democratic Party, going into November? Guess it depends on who you ask. Most of the so-called experts on TV and talk radio have basically proven that NO ONE really knows what's going to happen, no one can predict anything with certainty, and that the tried-and-true expectations just don't hold water any more. Everything is new this time, when we're dealing with the first viable woman candidate and the first viable black candidate.
Bottom line for me: I want to see a Democrat elected, period. Not John McCain, who says we could be in Iraq for 100 years or more. So I'm trying to keep my eyes on the prize, so to speak. And if that means we've got to choose Hillary, I guess that's what we'll do, but I won't be thrilled about it. But, how electable is either Hillary or Obama going to be after weeks and weeks and weeks more of primary time? In which they both get to beat each other up and spend tons of money trying to make the other look bad......and then in the end, try to come out smelling like a rose to go forward into the general election. Not gonna happen, I fear. And meanwhile, McCain gets to revel in his un-opposed status, while raising tons of money and going ahead with general election strategies against both of the Democrats. Ugh!
Stay tuned for Pennsylvania, I suppose. In APRIL! Guess I've just got to console myself with knowing that I've done what I could, voted when my state had its turn, and now I just get to keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Likes and Dislikes
Thanks to a great friend and PE sister (you know who you are!) for giving me the inspiration to create these lists. The items are in no particular order, just as they come to mind as I listen to election coverage on TV............
Likes:
*my boys and my DH
*Diet Coke
*my online sisters at "Preeclampsia Survivors" and "Autism Island"
*Barack Obama
*oldies music from the 60s
*singing
*soaking in a bathtub of really hot water
*amaretto sours
*pepperoni pizza
*Howe Hall Arts-Infused Magnet School
*Sirius radio
*reading (historical fiction, etc)
*playing the flute and trumpet
*our new local outlet mall
*living in the Charleston area
*chocolate chip muffins
*reading books to Ethan
*going shopping with Andrew
*medical dramas like House and ER
*Broadway musicals
*"Gone With the Wind" (movie and book)
Dislikes:
*"fake" people
*very cold weather
*beets
*most reality shows
*arrogance
*tomatoes
*red wine
*losing my temper
*being late for anything
*dealing with most confrontation
*"W"
*feeling fat
Ok, that was cathartic. :) Thanks for reading! These are just the tip of the iceberg, obviously.............LOL, but it's interesting looking at them in this format.
Likes:
*my boys and my DH
*Diet Coke
*my online sisters at "Preeclampsia Survivors" and "Autism Island"
*Barack Obama
*oldies music from the 60s
*singing
*soaking in a bathtub of really hot water
*amaretto sours
*pepperoni pizza
*Howe Hall Arts-Infused Magnet School
*Sirius radio
*reading (historical fiction, etc)
*playing the flute and trumpet
*our new local outlet mall
*living in the Charleston area
*chocolate chip muffins
*reading books to Ethan
*going shopping with Andrew
*medical dramas like House and ER
*Broadway musicals
*"Gone With the Wind" (movie and book)
Dislikes:
*"fake" people
*very cold weather
*beets
*most reality shows
*arrogance
*tomatoes
*red wine
*losing my temper
*being late for anything
*dealing with most confrontation
*"W"
*feeling fat
Ok, that was cathartic. :) Thanks for reading! These are just the tip of the iceberg, obviously.............LOL, but it's interesting looking at them in this format.
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