Friday, January 23, 2009

not quite this, not quite that

That's the summary of what I am these days.....not quite a Band director anymore, definitely not quite a Chorus teacher, not quite a full time teacher, not quite part-time though..........not quite a typical Mom of typical kids, but not quite the "special needs parent" as most people envision it. Hmmm.

This weekend I get to play along at several of my not-quite roles. Tonight, I'm going to a chocolate party.......yes, that's what I said. A friend is inviting ladies only to her house tonight for a chocolate party in the style of Mary Kay parties or Tupperware parties, etc. Should be fun, hoping to see several people I know there, but......I'm just so socially UNcomfortable much of the time, wondering what I have in common with people, etc. Long-time Band director friends feel so far away from me now.....most don't have kids, many aren't married, and they're waist-deep (or more) in the Band life, and I"m just not any more. And they don't know ASD from ABC, so that's not really a topic in our conversations either. It's just very superficial, kwim? "How are you?" "Great, how about you?" and it doesn't go much further than that.

Speaking of that, I get to go to a state-wide Band event tomorrow, and do the same small talk all day while feeling like an impostor. I"ve worked this Band audition for the last 5 or 6 years, and I do enjoy it, but I've got nothing to share with those other directors. When you've got 5 people in your Band, you don't do much of the stuff that their groups do, so I just nod and smile and listen, and that's about it. For the first 30 years of my life, or at least years 11-30, Band was my identity. I was in it, I studied it in college, I taught it in the 24/7 way that good Band directors have to do. I can't, won't, and don't want to do that anymore.....but because my toe is still in the water, I have interactions with those who do, and it just feels weird. Our circle of friends around here is comprised of Band people too, mostly, so again.....I don't like having nothing to contribute to the conversations when it's time to talk of who made AllState, what you're playing for Festival, who's performing at Convention, etc. I won't even be at Convention this year; why go, what's the point?

Then, Sunday I'll take the Energizer to a birthday party for a 1 year old. K and Mr. Literal are going to an oyster festival, since that's their new-found male bonding, I could care less about shucking oysters all day, and I hate eating them, YUCK. But they love it, so I'm encouraging them to go. Energizer Bunny and I will go to the party, at which I get to be reminded yet again about the differences between my parenting experiences and those of most people. The birthday boy is so precious---cute, chubby, very NT and doing just peachy-keen in every way. I don't begrudge him that, don't begrudge his parents their good fortune in his healthy development, etc, but still..........

I guess it comes down to this: If I've got to explain it, you wouldn't understand. That's not meant to sound mean, don't want anyone to take offense. But it's truly hard to see why situations like that would bother me, even mildly, unless you've been in the same spot yourself at some point. And I think most of you who read my blog HAVE been in that spot of the parenting-envy and frustration; you probably go through it most every day or at least pretty often. If so, I send you my (((((((((hugs)))))))))))), and my wish that you could go with me to this party, so I'd have something in common with someone.


Amy said...

I totally understand where you are coming from. Though we don't have the same issues as you, we struggle a lot with sensory issues with Gracie ~ for instance, she doesn't deal well in loud environments (which can make things very difficult sometimes!). Of course, none of my friends really understand a lot of my concerns because they all had full term babies or they don't have any children at all. *sigh* Perhaps I should move down south? :)

I'm so jealous of the chocolate party by the sounds like fun!

Lyndsey said...

I wish I could go with you! (((hugs))) I hope you have fun!