Friday, March 27, 2009

a good day, at least so far

It's dark and dreary outside, severe weather is headed this way, but I feel remarkably good about life in general today. :) Our school is having a blood drive today, and I donated for the first time in a while. DH and I have been semi-regular donors ever since Energizer was born and needed so many transfusions. I'm B positive, which apparently is a much-needed blood type. It was easy and quick....hardly felt the needle, and the whole experience was good. Oh, and they had to check my BP before I was approved to give......can you say 122/75, baby! :) :) :) That's what I'm talking about!

And it's Friday, thank God, so that means no rehearsals of any kind today, YIPPEE!!!!!!!! And we're taking the family, Nana included, out to a seafood dinner tonight, rain or shine. We deserve it after this insane week.

And lastly, I tried on an 12 year old dress last night, that I've worn a grand total of once. It was a bridesmaid dress, that I wore in my cousin's wedding in 1997. Floor length, black with a white/sequined design across the front at the neckline. Very elegant and formal, which is just what I need for the community chorus concert I'm in tomorrow night! I had no idea whether I could get into the dress or not, but I did! Ok, it was snug but it will work, and I can't wait to wear it. :) :) :) Now if I could just make this major life decision.......

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

words of wisdom from a stranger

I mentioned a while back that I'd started posting on a new blog for parents of special-needs kids, called Hopeful Parents. Anyway, yesterday was my day of the month to contribute, so I wrote yet another rambling saga about my decision-making process regarding my job, going back to college, etc.

Several readers of that blog have commented on my post, and I really don't "know" any of those ladies except for one. I would guess that everyone that reads this blog knows me, at least cyber-knows me, and that's cool because that's how I want it for the most part. Plus, how would anyone else find me here? But at Hopeful Parents, they're actively promoting the site and trying to grow it. So, my writing is seen by a lot more people over there, and I get a different collection of perspectives, etc.

One lady, who's obviously very smart and insightful, left a great comment yesterday, and I wanted to share a bit of it with you. This is something that really just jumped out at me because it rings true for where I am right now:

"It seems that the universe loves to work with just enough light for the step right in front of us."

That, in a nutshell, is my problem. I feel like I can't see further than just that next step, so it's nearly impossible to know if the steps beyond that are safe and if that's in fact where I want to go. It's dark out there, guys, and I am not a fan of the dark. I want to trust that, even in the darkness, the areas I'd step into are the right ones for me, but how can I be sure? Makes the oldies-radio-listening nerd in me think of an apropos song lyric:
"How can I be sure
In a world that's constantly changing?"

That, my friends, is the question. And the answer has to be either found or guessed at in the next couple of days. Keep me in your thoughts, ok? I promise to stop blogging endlessly about this as soon as I come to some kind of decision.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

well, here I go

Tomorrow's the big day......meeting at the college with the head of the Music Therapy division of the school of music. OMG, am I really doing this? I keep telling myself I'm just going so I can officially rule out the idea, so that I can answer enough of my questions to know that this really won't work, etc. But inside, secretly, I'm still so excited about the possibilities, and hoping that maybe.....just maybe......she'll answer my questions so that I know this WILL work.

I've been working on a list for days, of my questions and concerns. I still feel sure I'll forget something, or get sidetracked on 1 or 2 subjects and end up not getting to everything I wanted to ask. *sigh* Now if I can just remember to print the thing out and take it with me when I go.

I think I've mentioned before that I'm looking for a sign here, looking for someone to just tell me what to do and which direction to turn. Well, last week at school I may have gotten tell me what you think. The school is a Catholic school, in which we have a prayer over the intercom every morning and afternoon. The morning prayer had something in it that I can't quote exactly, but essentially it was asking God to help us be able to listen and respond to his call, and to go in the direction that He wants us to go. And I want to, I really do. Is this it, this whole insane music therapy idea? My kids will only be young once, so I can't mess this up, can't get myself involved in something that will take me away from them even MORE during these crucial years. And last night, I was at a rehearsal while DH did baths, homework, pjs, and bedtime. This morning, he shares the story of how badly it went, with Energizer ending up crawling completely under his bed comforter (NOT at bedtime) and crying, saying "I miss Mom". Great, just twist the knife, why don't you?

*sigh* X 1,000,000,000,000..............

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Interesting Saturday

Man, I'm exhausted. But yes, I'm sitting here blogging and reading the bloggings of others, rather than going to bed. Deal with it, LOL!

First of all, Energizer was in RARE form today. We've not had many days like this since he started on medicine for the adHd. And yes, we did give it to him today....believe me, I went back and double checked the pill bottle. :( Couldn't stay still at all, wasn't listening, defiant, uncooperative, in other words, a nightmare was had by all for a large portion of the day. *sigh*

But, the morning was nice. We went to the Gibbes Museum of Art in downtown Charleston, which I'm embarrassed to say I'd never been to before, even after living here nearly 16 years. Ooops. We all really enjoyed it, and it was Community Day which meant admission was free---can't get much better than that. There were snacks and crafts for the kids, live music outside, very very nice and I'm glad we went.

Then, I loaded up on summer clothes for Mr. L at Old Navy. Got a great coupon in the mail earlier this week---30% off of your whole purchase! So I got him 3 t shirts, a polo shirt, 2 pairs of shorts, a pair of khaki dress pants, a polo for myself, and one for Energizer...and my grand total spent was $72! Average of about $8 per item--not bad, huh? I love getting great deals like that, feeling like I beat the system, LOL!

Oh, one last bit of's official, I'm on BP meds. Atenolol, to be exact. You PE survivors will probably recognize that name, it's pretty common. I finally was persuaded to obtain a family doctor, since I've never really had one. My first visit to her was on Friday, and BP was 154/104. Lovely. But in a way I'm glad, because I was afraid the doc would be reluctant to put me on medication 5 minutes after meeting me. But considering the way my pressure looked in her office, she didn't hesitate. Oh, but she did tell me I was "just a baby" and too young to be having BPs like that. Thanks, preeclampsia, yet another triumph for you. Yay.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I"ve got to get out of here

I really have to get out of this current job, I mean it this time. I just drag myself here every day, dreading the actual job of teaching, and that's not a good situation for one who is employed to be a teacher. Especially the chorus classes........they're not having fun, neither am I, although I put on a good show as best I can. :(

Update on the music therapy front: I'm scheduling a meeting with the chairman of that dept. at the local college, probably next Wednesday afternoon. Wish me luck! I'm going to start making a list of what I need to ask her so I can make the visit worthwhile........

Friday, March 6, 2009

grasping at straws

I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

Ok, this is the part where you say "ummm, how old are you again?" and I reply, "37 1/2, thank you". But my grown up life has been separated into 2 parts, maybe even more parts depending on how you analyze it.

Part 1: Band Director Queen
BDQ was all about teaching Band, 24/7. Everything I did, before and after marriage really, revolved around that. Our schedule, our activities, our everything was about Band. It came first.

Part 2: Mom
I knew I couldn't maintain that same kind of intensity with my work, that same kind of schedule, once we started our family. So, I purposefully resigned from my teaching job at the end of a year when I was only about 4 mos. pregnant. Little did I know that only 10 weeks later, Mr. Literal would make his very-early entrance into the world. I did the SAHM thing for 2 years, but Mr. L was a high-maintenance child and it was just not a good fit for me emotionally to do that.

Part 2-A: Mom and part time teacher
When Mr. L was 2, he started preschool and I went "back to work", although it was nothing like I'd done before. I'd drive nearly an hour round trip to teach a "Band" class that lasted for 45 minutes. I enjoyed it at first, it was nice to get a little extra $ and get to keep my hand in the Band world, so to speak. Energizer came along the following year, but I kept doing the part time teacher thing too. It's gotten rougher and less enjoyable ever since.

Now, it's time for Part 3. I'm sure of that, sure that I'm not happy where I am but not sure where Part 3 is going to take me. I really feel like I'm a band director these days in name only, and I hate that. I'm realizing that, for me, I'm either BDQ or I need to be out of the Band stuff. There can't be a suitable in-between option. So it means I move on to something different......but what? I've thought about teaching music in another way, like maybe elementary school, but I just don't know.

The last couple of weeks, I've begun to think about options that move me more into the realm of special needs kids, since that's where my heart is nowadays anyway. I never knew anything about that world before having my own kids, and I freely admit it. But now that I do, it's what I think about, what I'm passionate about and where (I think) I want to be from this point on. What seems like a perfect fit, combining both my experience/love for music with the world of special needs, would be to do Music Therapy. I don't know tons about it yet, but I'm learning and hearing good things.

But guess what that means? Yep, going back to school, at least to some extent. And tuition, college loans, debt. (at this point, refer back to original paragraph in which I revealed my age) Do I really want to do that now? Is that fair to my family, etc? Can we afford it? I'm scared of the whole idea, and yet exhilarated at the same time. Could I manage to work a bit on the side while in school, teach lessons or do master classes etc to keep using my Band knowledge? Will the schoolwork be too time consuming, keeping me away from my own kids during these formative years?

Too many decisions, too many variables!!!!!!! Will someone (hint, hint) please just TELL me what to do? Help me to know what choice to make, and that it is the right one. Oh, and soon would be nice too. I've got to turn in a "letter of intent" to tell my current school what my plans are for next year. Plus, I'm worrying myself sick, literally. I've had more colds this winter than any other time in my life. :(