petrified: so frightened as to be unable to move; stunned or paralyzed with terror.
Yep, that about sums it up.
Why, you ask? Well, I've officially applied and submitted by resume for a job that just came open on Wednesday. I've been out of the full-time teaching world since 2001, when Big A was born. And I've told people, more times than I can count, that I really don't ever expect to get back into teaching full-time, precisely because of A and E. I'd figured there was just no way to do it, because I both want and need to have time to be a Mom..........don't want to see my kids getting to school at the crack of dawn, and then staying at the after-school care every day waiting for me or K to get out of school and pick them up. That's just not acceptable to me.
But possibly, just possibly, the stars have aligned themselves in such a way that I might be able to do full-time teaching AND have a schedule acceptable to me for my family. The job opening is for a music teacher at A's amazing school.
It's really been a progression, though, over the last 48 hours, in terms of how I feel about this. It went something like this:
First moment of reading the job posting--Hell, no, there's no way.
About 10 minutes later--hmm, do you think, maybe........?
30 minutes later--write to the lady who's leaving to ask basic questions
Later that day--heart's racing with excitement, OMG I have to have this job!
Yesterday--I bet a lot of other people are going to want this, and I don't have much of a chance anyway, but I still want to try.
Today--I still want it, I think. How can you really know about something that's this different from anything you've ever done?
Enter the petrified phase. OMG, how am I going to handle this job if I get it? It's going to be soooooo much more school work than I'm used to, and the expectations around there are sky-high. What if, by some chance, I get it and then am a gigantic flop? What if I lose my freakin mind just trying to keep up with the workload, and have to give it up in disgrace? What if I leave my current job, deal with all of the upheaval of changing, then regret it?
I do not want to be paralyzed by fear. I am a good Band director, I know that. No miracle worker, but I know what I'm doing and have been moderately successful. But elementary music? At an arts magnet school? Including both general music teaching AND infusion? I really, really want to have confidence in my abilities, but a big part of me is afraid that this job is too much for me. No one can fill the shoes of the lady who's leaving, who started this program. But I'll be so angry with myself if I don't at least try, give it my all to get it, considering how much I love the school and the program.
See the quandary? I want to go for it, try hard to get it, but yet want to say "don't give it to me, I can't handle it, I'm not qualified". Guess I'll have to rely on prayer.....I've just been praying that if this is the right job for me, it will work out for me to get it and to be successful in it. If not, I won't even get it to start with. But I've got to try.