Thursday, November 13, 2008

Damn preeclampsia!

That's what I feel like saying today. Saying it LOUDLY, screaming it from the rooftops for anyone who's listening to hear! Damn preeclampsia!!!!!

I need a scapegoat, that's my current problem. I need someone or something to blame, to be mad at, to hate for the things that have been done to my family. And the nearest and most logical scapegoat is preeclampsia.

Isn't it PEs fault that my babies were born far too early, too small and too sick? If not for PE, I might have enjoyed a normal, happy, healthy pregnancy. Might have gone through labor rather than having 2 c-sections. Might have brought my babies home with me in 2 days, rather than 2 or 3 months.

And it's not just about pregnancy and birth.....if not for PE, my children might very well be neurotypical today, normally and typically developing little boys with normal, typical lives. Seems weird to wish for typicality, to wish for ordinary-ness, but I do. Without preeclampsia, which then caused the prematurity, A might not be on the autism spectrum, and E might not have ADHD and severe aggression and impulsivity.

Maybe it's ridiculous to blame it all on the preeclampsia, but somehow it helps. Gives me something to lash out at, something to hate, something to focus the anger and the hurt on. And it does hurt, all the time. Maybe that's pathetic, considering my last bout with PE was nearly 5 years ago. But because its effects are so long-lasting in my kids' lives, and in MY life, it doesn't seem to matter how long ago it was. I HATE preeclampsia! May the researchers find a cure for it, soon, and a way to prevent other families from having to suffer pain and loss because of it.

1 comment:

lyndsey said...

(((((hugs))))) It is a boil on the face of humanity and needs to be eradicated. I've been thinking of you lately and will continue to keep you in my prayers.