Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Scared and sad

I think this must be what depression is. I've experienced it before, and don't remember feeling quite like this, but I just know I feel the classic way you hear depression described as.......tired, sad, feel like just crawling into bed and staying there. I'm not keeping up with stuff for school (work) the way I need to be....it's easier to procrastinate and let things slide. Takes all of the effort I can muster, sometimes, to do anything but just sit in front of the computer and go back and forth between the websites I visit. I nearly couldn't get up and make dinner for my children tonight, I kid you not.

And the biggest reason for this "funk", this emotionally exhausting and draining depression phase? My youngest, little E, my micropreemie miracle. Every day brings new lows in his behavior, at home and at school, and it's so scary to see this precious little guy with the sweet lispy voice get so very angry and lash out......at me, at teachers, at friends, at everyone. He has literally no impulse control, seemingly nothing inside that pulls him back or stops him from doing the first thing that comes to mind when he gets upset or mad.

In one of those bizarre, random trains of thought that I sometimes have, I was reminded today of the play "The Crucible" by Arthur Miller. One of my favs, but I digress. It's a depiction of the Salem Witch Trials. At least one man, as I remember, was accused of witchcraft and killed, but he wasn't hung, he was "pressed to death". He was made to lay on the ground, and heavy stones were placed on his chest, one by one. Guess the accusers thought that he'd eventually give in and admit to being a witch, but he didn't. They say his last words were "More weight". He knew he was innocent, and was determined not to admit to something he hadn't done.

Why the hell did she tell us that story? you might ask. Well, you know my love of metaphors, and right now I feel like I'm getting the "pressed to death" treatment too. Every day, a new heavy stone is added to the weight I'm carrying, worrying how to help E and what on earth we can do about all this. "He kicked Miss Mary today" = add another stone. "He was so hyper, couldn't calm down, and then he bit Sara" = another stone. "We just didn't know what to do for him this morning, sent him to the director's office twice because he was throwing chairs" = another stone.

When does the weight get to be too much? When it crushes me? How far am I from that point? Is there a way to lift some of the weight off? I'd do it in a second, if I knew how. Instead, I just slog onward.....eating my way into oblivion and barely getting through the days. Can't keep up with anything, or so it seems, and when I do have a spare few minutes to do something productive, I usually can't bring myself to do it. Too hard, too much effort needed, I'm not up to it. I know that this isn't healthy. If you're a praying person, send some our way, would you? Thanks. Something's gotta give, as they say, but we just don't know yet what (or who) that something will be. :(


tafkalorelei said...

(((((HUGE HUGS))))) I just don't know what to say to make anything better. Do you think a change of medication or an increase in medication for you would do any good? I know that some meds lose their effectiveness or need to be increased for some reason. Just a thought...I honestly what to say in regards to E's behavior. Dalton is very, very strong willed...he throws, has bitten (just family...thank God no other kids but Hunter)...There have been times that I have followed him around with a fly swat to keep him in line and that is certainly NOT the kind of mother that I want to be. I don't know if you guys spank...so I definetly don't want to step on any toes...Have you tried spanking him? Forgive me if you are against spanking...I certainly do understand that if you are...but just wondered if you had tried that or if it would just give him another method to try on someone else. I'm so sorry Jen...I just wish that you could catch a break. Does he play any sports or anything right now? Is it possible to not allow him to participate if he didn't behave in school that day or something? Here is hoping that easier days are heading your way soon. I'm afraid to say anything, but for the past 2 weeks Dalton's behavior has changed so much more...he's been really sweet, so I am hoping it was just a phase and he's transitioning out of it. Just know that you do have people that love you and are praying for the situation. Love you girl.

Anonymous said...

hi Jen,

It took me wayyy too long to find a therapist and get the right dosage of anti-depressants, because i kept thinking I wasn't quite depressed "enough." I was still eating and sleeping, after all. Now that I look back on my depression I can see how bad it was, despite my ability to mostly function. So reading your post, I can see YES this is definitely depression, and you deserve to get help for it. The sneakiest thing about depression is that you don't have the emotional energy to get help. But you've got to do it. Just remember, the way you're feeling right now is temporary. Be as kind as you can to yourself.

Is it ok if i post your blog link on my blogroll?


lyndsey said...

I just don't know what to say, hon, but I love you and your boys and you will all be in my prayers. I wish there was something I could do for you. ((((hugs))))