I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I want to be when I grow up.
Ok, this is the part where you say "ummm, how old are you again?" and I reply, "37 1/2, thank you". But my grown up life has been separated into 2 parts, maybe even more parts depending on how you analyze it.
Part 1: Band Director Queen
BDQ was all about teaching Band, 24/7. Everything I did, before and after marriage really, revolved around that. Our schedule, our activities, our everything was about Band. It came first.
Part 2: Mom
I knew I couldn't maintain that same kind of intensity with my work, that same kind of schedule, once we started our family. So, I purposefully resigned from my teaching job at the end of a year when I was only about 4 mos. pregnant. Little did I know that only 10 weeks later, Mr. Literal would make his very-early entrance into the world. I did the SAHM thing for 2 years, but Mr. L was a high-maintenance child and it was just not a good fit for me emotionally to do that.
Part 2-A: Mom and part time teacher
When Mr. L was 2, he started preschool and I went "back to work", although it was nothing like I'd done before. I'd drive nearly an hour round trip to teach a "Band" class that lasted for 45 minutes. I enjoyed it at first, it was nice to get a little extra $ and get to keep my hand in the Band world, so to speak. Energizer came along the following year, but I kept doing the part time teacher thing too. It's gotten rougher and less enjoyable ever since.
Now, it's time for Part 3. I'm sure of that, sure that I'm not happy where I am but not sure where Part 3 is going to take me. I really feel like I'm a band director these days in name only, and I hate that. I'm realizing that, for me, I'm either BDQ or I need to be out of the Band stuff. There can't be a suitable in-between option. So it means I move on to something different......but what? I've thought about teaching music in another way, like maybe elementary school, but I just don't know.
The last couple of weeks, I've begun to think about options that move me more into the realm of special needs kids, since that's where my heart is nowadays anyway. I never knew anything about that world before having my own kids, and I freely admit it. But now that I do, it's what I think about, what I'm passionate about and where (I think) I want to be from this point on. What seems like a perfect fit, combining both my experience/love for music with the world of special needs, would be to do Music Therapy. I don't know tons about it yet, but I'm learning and hearing good things.
But guess what that means? Yep, going back to school, at least to some extent. And tuition, college loans, debt. (at this point, refer back to original paragraph in which I revealed my age) Do I really want to do that now? Is that fair to my family, etc? Can we afford it? I'm scared of the whole idea, and yet exhilarated at the same time. Could I manage to work a bit on the side while in school, teach lessons or do master classes etc to keep using my Band knowledge? Will the schoolwork be too time consuming, keeping me away from my own kids during these formative years?
Too many decisions, too many variables!!!!!!! Will someone (hint, hint) please just TELL me what to do? Help me to know what choice to make, and that it is the right one. Oh, and soon would be nice too. I've got to turn in a "letter of intent" to tell my current school what my plans are for next year. Plus, I'm worrying myself sick, literally. I've had more colds this winter than any other time in my life. :(