I told ya so

Hey, remember that last blog post? Pessimism rules!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, I didn't get it. And it's looking like it was a done deal from the start, which pisses me off. Someone else from within the district got it, someone who's been around forever and is good friends with the teacher who's leaving. Did I ever even have a chance? Probably not.

Oh, and one more thing........."The 2008 Academy Award for Best Actress goes to: ME!"

Why, you might ask? Because I got this phone call about not getting the job at about 11 am this morning. I spent the next hour in tears, then tried to get myself together since DH and I had plans to go out to a friend's retirement party tonight. Arrived at the party at 7, and about an hour later, guess who shows up? Yep, the lady who's leaving that job, AND the one who just got it, over me. :( So I've known about this for less than 12 hours, and I've got to put on the smiling/sweet/I'm having fun party face and make small talk with this woman.

At first, she didn't even know who I was. She knows DH, and so someone introduced me by way of saying "this is K's wife"....and then she realized. She verified what she'd heard about where I teach now, and asked what I teach there, etc. Oh, and a few minutes later, when I had walked away and was talking elsewhere, she asked DH if I might be interested in the job she's now leaving. Sure, Miss H, your leftovers are good enough for me. Thanks for honoring me with the job out in BFE that you don't want anymore. Can you say "absolutely no freakin way"! But I smiled, and was so friendly, told her my son's going to be in 2nd grade and would be her student, etc. Like I said, hand over that trophy because I deserve it!

And one last irksome thing.........all of my friends who know about this, online and otherwise, have been so sweet and supportive today. But I am absolutely sick to death of the "it wasn't meant to be/God has other plans for you" junk. Forgive me, friends, and I hope I don't make any of you mad with this, because I know you have the best intentions. You're right to say those things, and in a few days (I hope) I'll have a better perspective and a better attitude about this. But right now, it's too fresh and hurts too much. And I have to admit that, for now, I just DO NOT see why this wasn't meant to be, wasn't the absolute perfect option for me and for the family. Better in terms of salary and my ability to help provide for the family. Better in terms of commuting. Better in terms of being in a school where the arts are valued and music is an integral part of the curriculum and of school life. Better for me for self-esteem and the feeling of accomplishment that comes with success in career. Better in terms of employment benefits........I could cover myself on insurance (cheaper), would be contributing to retirement again, etc.

So someone explain this to me, would you? Why is staying in the sports-dominated, cash-poor Catholic school (where at least half the kids don't even know we have a band) the better option for me? Why is it right to NOT be with my kids and NOT be working in a job that fills so many needs in such a logical way? I know we're not supposed to question, and often we'll never know why things turn out as they do when it goes against what we want......but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Self-esteem's not my strong suit anyway, but I think I just went down another notch. :(