I'm not going to get it

There, I admitted it. I know, I know, things always seem worse at night, and here I am wallowing in my sorrows at nearly 11 pm........but I just know somehow that this new job I want isn't going to work out.

DH always tells me that I'm the natural pessimist in the family, and he's the natural optimist, and I guess that's true. I'd like to think of myself more as a realist, but I digress......

So, job interview last Tuesday, first interview I've done in 5 years. Big A's school has a teaching position open (music) and I really, really want it. There are just so many reasons why this seems right, both for me and for the family. No more stupid commuting to DI means much less gas to buy, WOO HOO! After one more year, little E will attend this school as well, so what could be better than Mom working at the very school both of her kids attend? And I'll have at least one child in this school until 2015! The school is a truly amazing place and incredible things happen there on a daily basis; it would be a honor and privilege (scary too) to teach there.

Interview ended with the principals saying "we really want to finish this process up by the end of the week, and we'll call everyone to let you know. Monday at the latest." Well, Friday came and went, no call. Obviously, they don't work weekends, so now we wait until Monday, and with each passing hour I grow more pessimistic. I guess I'm just trying to prepare myself mentally, get myself ready to be disappointed, so I'm thinking up all of the reasons they wouldn't choose me.

The youngest age group I've taught is 5th grade, and this school is K5-5th. To them, I'm just a parent, just a Mom who helps out at field day and goes on school trips. If they really wanted me, they'd know by now and I'd have gotten the call already. I didn't express myself in the interview as well as I should have; I should have just spoken up and told them how much I want this and how dedicated I would be to doing the job if I got it. I should have told them that NO ONE else loves the school the way I do, and that they just have to hire me! But I didn't.

Plus, I'd already started thinking about the difference in salary between my current job and this one.....can you say DOUBLE? :) And I'd started thinking about what that might mean to us, things we could do that we'd been putting off, maybe an extra cushion to help during this tough economy, etc. And then to have to forget all that, and go back to being a freakin' doormat in my current school......12 kids signed up to start the year, only 4 of whom will stay til the spring. :(

This is the time, damn it. I'm ready to move on, ready to leave on my terms and move on to the next phase of my career, new challenges, etc. I can say that I really tried here, gave it 5 good years and took it about as far as it can go, so I wouldn't feel like I just gave up if I left. Everything just seems to be pointing toward this job at this time in my life. I have a wonderful friend who constantly shows how strong her faith is; you always hear her say things about following God's path, listening for his call and his direction so that she'll know what to do and where to go. I'm trying, Lord, really I am, and I truly do think this is it, this is where I'm supposed to go and how it's supposed to work.

But yet, even in the midst of all of that certainty, is the voice of the pessimist, never far from my ear. You didn't really impress them enough, they didn't take you seriously as a teacher, you can't be considered because you've never taught this age group, they just humored you by interviewing you anyway but you were never a true candidate..........the list goes on and on.

Oh, and did I mention this? I'm taking A up to the school Monday morning, to pick up his packet for next year (teacher assignment, supply list, etc). Just the place I want to be, huh? Yeah, so one of them can pull me aside with the oh-so-sweet "I'm glad you're here, we wanted to talk to you........." and then try to let me down easy. Can you tell I'm not looking forward to that trip?

I'm just ready to know, let's get past this waiting and speculating. Just drop the bomb, already.