Thursday, March 13, 2008

I'm afraid to jump

Well, yesterday I posted about a dilemma I find myself in.....related to jobs and whether or not to change schools/districts for next year. My sweet cyber-sisters are commenting, saying "do it, girl" etc, and I appreciate the support. :) But one disclaimer first: there's not even really an official job opening yet, in that other district. There always is, though, every year, so I know there will be one, just maybe not one in a school I'd prefer, etc. Beggars can't be choosers, right?

When I was little, I was deathly afraid of the DOWN side of escalators. I could go up just fine, but then we'd be at the top and I'd be frozen, unable to step on to start going down. I remember standing there with my parents, them encouraging me, holding my hand, etc, and I had one foot poised in mid-air, waiting for the right moment to step out......and waiting.......and waiting. I think it was the fact that the "steps" were moving. Unlike regular stairs, you can't just look down to a stationary spot, move your foot and place it on that spot. You've got to time it, watch how it's moving and how fast, then time your movement to land exactly where you predict the step will be at that moment in time. Truth be told, I still am not crazy about the down escalators. I ride them now, and I don't tell anyone about my little phobia, but it's not my favorite thing to do.

So here I am, waiting to step down and wondering if the time is right. Problem is, I've been standing in this spot for the past 4 years. Each Spring, I keep raising my foot, holding it over those moving steps........looking at it, watching, thinking.......then deciding that maybe just staying where I am will be ok. Next year, same thing. So I put my foot back down, and go through another year. Then I raise my foot, and watch.........seeing a pattern here?

I'm just afraid to step, that's the bottom line. I don't know where this escalator travels to, and whether the place it'll take me to is worse somehow than where I am now. And, there's this: During the first couple of years that I was back to work (after being a SAHM for 2 years), I spiraled down into a major depression and major state of "overwhelmed-ness" with all that was going on in my life. Andrew had just been diagnosed on the autism spectrum and was barely talking, Ethan was a failure-to-thrive baby who was barely eating, and I was juggling so many therapy appts. and doctor visits that my head was spinning.

It was a very low point in time for me, and a very scary one to think back on. We're all doing much better now, and I am coping (most of the time) with the help of good cyber-pals, medication, and the fact that my days aren't SO overwhelmed any more. I am very attached to my time during the day (hours that I'm not in school), in which I can clean house, shop, go on field trips with the kids, or just (gasp!) watch TV and/or be online. I'm used to having that time, not working all day long at my "real job", and I'm more than a bit afraid of that changing. Having this time for me, even if it's just quiet time to take a quick nap or watch ER reruns while doing dishes or folding clothes.......I think that time helps keep me sane, keeps my head above water so to speak. If I changed jobs, I might not have that time anymore, or not as much. Part time music teaching jobs aren't easy to come by. And I truly am afraid to lose it, wondering if I'll go back to that "all-overwhelmed-all-the-time" state, which I absolutely could not handle. I know that many, many women do work full time AND raise a family, but I guess I doubt my capacity to do it. I already hate how busy we are with the kids in the evenings, and I cherish our time to just hang out at home and do nothing. Don't want to lose that, or be constantly rushing to pick them up (late) from school, run home, cram dinner, do homework and crash. What kind of a life is that?

But I need the career fulfillment too, see? And the interaction with adults outside of my family......real, live, breathing people who are above the age of 6. So I want to keep working, need to keep working. How much is enough? How much is too much? Does this humongous, rambling post even make any sense any more? Decisions, decisions. Can somebody point me in the right direction, please? Anyone?

1 comment:

tafkalorelei said...

It makes total sense. You've somehow got to figure out what is more important to you...being happy in your job but maybe having not as much free time or not being happy and having free time..I know it's a tough decision and honestly why I quit a job that I did love. I was way to overwhelmed. Even though it was part time I felt like I was going in a zillion different directions and that my mom (because she kept the boys) had them at their best times. I just couldn't do it anymore and for me, staying home was the best decision that I made. I am so much more easy going and able to handle the stuff that we have come up because I don't have a job to have to go to. So I know you love what you do..and I'm not saying to quit your job but maybe even if you get a better job you won't be as happy in the long run if you don't have that free time that you are having now. Good luck with your decision..I know it will be tough. ((((hugs))))

P.S. I don't like escalators (or either!