Monday, March 31, 2008

I'm just not sure...

I've been taking Effexor for over 2 years now....faithfully, every day, taking that little pill and knowing if I've missed it because of that lovely dizzy/woozy feeling. I'm wondering, though, if maybe it's not really working for me anymore, at least not like it used to.

My emotions are just all over the place these days, mostly down. And I hate complaining, and feeling like this blog is nothing but a downer, but it does help me to at least get these feelings out in some form....but I think that's part of the problem.

I've got so much to be thankful for, and a very full life when you consider----marriage, 2 active kids, a job, church responsibilities and activities, a house and all that goes with it, a cat with diabetes, performing with community chorus, belonging to 3 volunteer boards (for the chorus, and one each for the kids' schools), etc etc etc. But I'm pulled in so many directions and don't feel like I'm doing much justice to any of it. Nor am I terribly happy with the whole package sometimes, truth be told.

Then, last weekend we went to visit family in the town where DH and I both grew up. We still have some friends there, and try to get together with them whenever we're in town. DH has known them since high school, and I have for almost that long. They're all married too, with kids and houses and jobs, but.....DH and I both came away from this most recent gathering feeling down again. We visited 2 couples (with kids), and none of them have had pregnancy problems, preemies, or ASD issues. Both families live in big, nice houses and were chatting on about their new 50" plasma TVs and a trip to Aruba given to one of them as a bonus from work. Lovely, huh? Not a lot in common with our family in that we are as 1 1/2 teachers in a small house and still watching the archaic TV I bought when I got out of college in '93.

Why should any of this matter? Why be jealous, what will it accomplish? Nothing, I'm sure, but I can't help it, I guess. I know, I know, the cost of living and the real estate market here in the Lowcountry is much higher than where these people if we could transport ourselves up there, maybe we'd have a bigger house, etc, but we love it here and don't want to move.

Plus, my job has so many ups and downs, but in last weekend's company it was definitely a DOWN. Those other couples are so involved with successful music programs and they have NO idea what it's like to do what I do here daily. They can't even sympathize well, b/c they really just are that far removed from what this job is like, they can't even imagine it.

Then there are the parenting ups and downs.....some of both, but the downs are hitting me pretty hard lately. Little E is still quite a challenge, keeps me hopping night and day, and Big A has to be handled with kid gloves to avoid meltdowns over things as tiny as even just hearing a news guy on TV say that Hillary *might* end up dropping out of the race.

I used to feel like the meds helped me roll with things better, but now I'm not so sure. It's more like I'm just treading water, getting by, functioning well enough to survive but not much more than that. House--stays just above the verge of being condemned; Job--I know what my class is doing today, but not much beyond that; Parenting--can I just make it through tonight with a minimum of screaming and meltdowns, and get them to bed at a decent hour having eaten some things that are relatively good for you? ; marriage--don't even ask, we never see each other except to say hi and bye.

But I want more, I want better, I want happier. Is what I'm living just the way it is, the way most people have it but I just think otherwise? I'm scared to stop the meds, but if they aren't there something else that would? I feel like even in this post I've just rambled, no real direction, just bouncing along from tangent to tangent, getting by, which is exactly my point. What are my goals? What am I working towards in my life? How can I be all things to all people and yet still be something to myself? Hmm, guess I'd better be visiting the doctor and seeing what new miracle drug I can try.


Jen said...

HUGS Jen. No, you aren't rambling. This post makes an awful lot of sense to me, but perhaps that is because we are long lost twins??? haha

Anyway, a different med may be order, but sometimes just trying to rekindle the intimacy (and I don't mean sexual intimacy) between yourself and your hubby might help. That way you'll feel like you and he are in this together, kwim? Oh well, I think I need to practice what I preach, and today, I'm not feeling 100% because of a virus.

Hang in there honey. You really are a great mom, but even moms need some fulfillment in their lives besides their kiddos.


angie said...

Ahhh, if you find that miracle drug let me know. I'm also on effexor and just had my dose adjusted up but still don't deal well. You put into words exactly how I feel but just can't ever find the way to describe. I don't have a child with ASD, but everything else you described fit the bill. Many (((hugs))) to you, hang in there girl.

I was just thinking tonight that I'm going to hire Merry Maids to clean my house because I never get to it-mine is close to being condemned as well ;)

tafkalorelei said...

(((((hugs))))) What you were saying definetly made sense. It sounds like you are stretched way too thin right now. If you aren't fully enjoying everything that you are doing then i would say to cut a thing or two out until you feel like your head is above water again. Hang in there girl. We love you.

Amy said...

Everything you said here makes perfect sense - I too have a way of stretching myself way too thin lately (to the point where I needed to get my meds adjusted because I was just overly depressed and started having massive anxiety attacks due to stress). I think Lori's idea is great about maybe cutting a thing or two out for a bit until you are feeling a bit better. No matter what you decide we'll all be here for you. (((hugs)))